You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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