I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
