Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
