literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She bit a glass in half.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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