oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
