i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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