Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
