how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
