I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
