Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
