jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
