i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
