saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
