shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
someone owes me an orgasm
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
