Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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