Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
