I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
