Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
