i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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