I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
