But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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