Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
