GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
