the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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