My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
zippers are such a cool invention
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
