I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The Olympian is in my bed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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