a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
