So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
