mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
