I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
