I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
