You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
