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I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza