if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
