I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
