i barfeds in our rink
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
