i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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