I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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