I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
