You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
