I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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