Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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