i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
