I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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