she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
