It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
