god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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