Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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