she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
