not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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