it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
