Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
