when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
