mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
