Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
