Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
