Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
