1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
