my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
