Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
