I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
