then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I fill condoms, not promises.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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