matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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