**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
