Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
