to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
