my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
