You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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