Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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