1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
