Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
