i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
